how did I get here......

I am not sure is the answer.... some good decisions, some wrong ones. I never saw myself as the typical single mom cliche. Somehow that's where I am. Uneducated, poor, alone and getting divorced. Now it could be all black roses and death. Or I could use this as a rebirth.

My ex was a controller... if it wasn't directly beneficial to him than it didn't matter as much. He still did things for us but begrudgingly. I was resented, and sometimes so was she. Me going back to school was never important for him. Things quickly spun out of control. He was verbally abusive, and neglectful. When it started to get physical. That's was the beginning of the end. He put my parenting into question and could have had our baby girl taken away with his stupidity. I am not saying that I play no part in our demise. When we started counseling he lived out if our home. Then I found out about her, the other woman. I think there is still something going on there, maybe a younger sibling in store for my daughter. A sis or bro conceived in adultery. Suddenly everyone is willing to give me what I want in the divorce.

The bottom line is my life will never be the same again. I am a mom. A loving mom. Who will gladly sacrifice anything to give my daughter a better tomorrow. She is the sunshine of my life. After all that I can be me again. I will again be free, and I was so very happy before. I had finally learned to love myself. After the turbulence of my teen years, and the chaos of my early 20's. I had come to see who I was and who I wanted to be. That was lost somewhere along the way in this mess. Something that was lost that must be found. This is not just an end to a marriage, it's a rebirth. A rebirth of a young woman.


I call on my mom to hear my story but she is sick of it. She doesn't know how to handle all the pain that's associated with this. I am her little girl, although I am grown. This divorce has been eating my ass. It eats my lunch everyday. It consumes me. Facebook a little too ridiculous to go into this much detail.

I guess here is my journey.

This week so far I have gotten all my FAFSA grants lined up for school starting the fall semester. I am pretty excited. I know it'll be hard considering the 50hr. work weeks and the toddler. But all is possible.
I also got my little one signed up for preschool. Not so excited about this, but it's kind of necessary. They have dance classes on Mondays, and exercise classes, and lots of fun activities lined up. Never wanted to have to put her in child care, but I've got to make a living.
I managed to function as a working breathing member of society without having a total meltdown.
I have been maintaining a steady level of physical activity and working out, I have also cut almost all junk from my diet.... It clouds my brain.

I can hardly wait for this divorce to be final! It will be over! I may have to see his face forever because of our child. But he will never force his will on me again!ROAR!